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Friday, May 13, 2011

Pocket Nukes not Recommended for Children Under Six

             I’ve done it. I’ve finally done it. Every jerk that can string more than two words together have been telling me for as long as I’ve been able to use a toilet and phone at the same time; that it would happen. I refused to believe that it could happen on the principle that I’m more awesome than a kid whose parents named him Awesome. Which actually goes without saying, since anyone named Awesome would be a lameoid whose parents had the forethought to hate him since birth. Oh yeah: the thing I did is shot myself with an arrow.
            I put the arrow on the string, brought the bow up, aimed, pulled the string back, and the arrow entered my neck. I would have been really pissed off at this but I noticed that an ample amount of my blood had relocated itself on to my very own pocket nuke that the Crisis And Solution Authority really doesn’t need to know about.
            Funny story about how I got that cute little treaty-violating nightmare waiting to happen. I won it from a junior baseball team. Okay, I didn’t win it, I used the fear inducing power of an aluminum bat to make them declare make the winner forever, and I going to keep that to them. Now, I know you’re saying: Brandon they had a miniature nuclear device and you let go of a metal bat as soon as you hit something, you big girl. I take offense to you calling me a girl. I’m way over eighteen; so you better call me a woman. And while they did have more power than me, I also told their parents that they were trying drugs and looking at girly magazines. The power of parents out way the power of a five-megaton explosion.
            Now I’m going have to buy a new bottle of Blood Be Gone. The only reason it got blood on it is because I keep in on the coffee table in the archery range that use to be my living room. I know that if I put in up in the attic with my other weaponized war crimes I’d just forget about it. And, what’s the fun of a nuke if you don’t always remember that you could just burn your enemies alive whenever you find a way to do it and not get caught.